When my programmes finally came to their end, I returned to the paper full-time and discovered myself a features writer.  The features desk was still a newborn; I would be the third member of the team.  The news editor had joshed: “we [hard news] don’t need you”.  I clearly remember thinking: “and how did we arrive at the conclusion that I was the least bit interested in returning to the news desk?”  It wasn’t a mean thought- it was just the bare truth.  They didn’t need me- I didn’t need them. I had no intentions of being trapped- again.

Sometimes, luck smiles upon you. And, I’ve since realized that my move to the features desk (soft news), some three years ago, was a sign that luck, at that time, was grinning most broadly at me.  For, the move marked the true beginning of my attempt to put into practice the sort of professional woman I could stomach.  And, I had long arrived at the point in life at which I needed very much to be able to stomach myself.

I remember as a news reporter I had to put up with the constant: “are you finished with page 5 yet?”. This- from a particular editor eager to rush out of the office at 5 p.m. sharp.  (As if news occurred on a set schedule!)  Back then, I was too unfinished or uncertain to stand on my own and ask of superiors and interviewees the questions which seriously needed asking.  I did not push to contemplate fresh angles or all possible angles of a story…or the stories which were not considered “sexy” by the media in Antigua. Like the vagrancy issue.  Or the cruel treatment often meted out to animals on the island.

Back then, on several occasions, interviewees and a superior or two used my shortcomings to their advantage.  I remember one particular news story which I continuously beat to death, even when there was nothing to report, with much encouragement from an editor and a too anxious interviewee. I also remember being confronted by one of the parties involved in that particular story. She wanted to know if I or the paper (but, mostly I) had “something personal” against her company.  I didn’t, of course. But, I could clearly see why she would ask that.

“Fresh angles”, “objectivity of the news”, and “all angles” were just phrases everyone used to fool themselves into thinking they were so keen on making a difference. Maybe, some did start out in the business wanting to be a source of light.  But, from my viewpoint, it seemed as if most, if not all, had long ago accepted the darkness.

But features writing- now, that represented a change. I could care here. The obscure and misleading discussions about “objectivity” had less reach to ensnare me. I could let loose the “I” and the “me”. I could either redeem myself for my past transgressions or prove to be the most miserable failure.

I will be the first to admit that I enjoyed much freedom as a features writer. It was almost as if I’d left the company and joined another.  Sometimes, I would pause at my laptop to look over at the news reporters present. I'd think about the wondrous things they could create if they had the same delicious and heady freedom. But, other times, I would listen to one or two of them share their views on particular issues- such as pedophilia or xenophobia. And, I’d think…naaaaaaah.

Coming Next Tuesday: #7 A Working Girl Has To Take Herself Seriously.