He simply refused to steer clear of any of the things I’d conjured up in my head the evening before.  He tapped away on his blackberry as he explained how crazy-busy he was nowadays.  I tried to look alert and polite as he regurgitated ideas for the online news company which I’d heard from our employer back in August 2009.

Now it was time for the earnest look. He really, really wanted me to be a part of the new team he was building. This was going to be bigger than I could never imagine.  A brand new world on offer…and, I could be a part of it all. The girl in me responded with something politely trite.  The working girl in me wondered if this meeting couldn’t possibly be brought to an end right away.  The other side of me was helpless- still a bit woozy with amusement and so had no input on the matter just yet.

One sigh. Two sighs. A few more sighs at my unwillingness to commit to the company as a full time writer.  It was all settled: my mouth said one thing and my eyes another. So where to now?  Another pause, of course. A spotting of some old friend at another table. This was really happening? The plain old girl in me worried again at the appropriateness of this meeting and considered this a possible abuse of power by someone my superior.

I could feel the ire of the working girl rising. But luckily, the girl who was taught not to make a scene until pushed completely too far succeeded in quieting the working girl into an amused calmness. His old friend, recognizing the impoliteness of it all, finally ends the conversation. All three girls in me are now very bored and thinking about getting back to a particular family member who needed me as well as that thing I’d decided to do.

He’s talking again- about his keenness to build a strong team. He could do this- he knows this media worker in --------! By the way, he didn’t think so and so at the company was doing a great job at her job.  Wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…! He was sorry, so sorry that I didn’t seem keen on changing my mind. Granted, this was not goodbye, but…. He wasn’t trying to get rid of me.

The working girl, the girl and the other side of me merged into one. We all stopped listening and started thinking. About this scene and others- about him and everyone.  About how keen everyone, in this game, is to display power- real or false. About how very real this show of power and competence could appear to the person wielding it and the person against whom it is being wielded. About how powerless those who feel truly powerless against these powerless people might be. About how powerless I didn’t feel. And about just why I didn’t feel the least bit powerless.

I looked at the man opposite me- still prattling away. I heard myself making amazingly coherent responses. He was not my problem. He was not my enemy. None of them were. He was just a sanitized fly with dreams of being/becoming a King Bee. He could never amount to anything. He could amount to something. I didn’t care either way. I knew that as soon as I left the table, I’d forgive all of this (forgetting is never wise for a working girl). I considered him. I considered the others. I considered me. I considered this game in which we were all caught. I considered it all a pity….

Coming Next Tuesday: #37 Back to normal…