Being shallow really helped me. After giving up all the nonsense about giving the not-so attractive guys a chance, I felt freer to explore the world of online dating. I went on a rampage; ignoring, blocking, and deleting notifications and emails from men who were physically unappealing.

On certain sites, when performing a search, I ensured that the “with pictures only” option was selected.  I mean, why would anyone join a dating site and not post a picture? No excuse- unless he’s waiting for a picture to be approved. Or isn't serious about the whole experience... or was so shy, a meeting would never happen.  Or… he’s the top feature on some most wanted show.

DrDating Cartoons

Before I became the mistress of so many failed online relationships and decided to stop being “deep”, I had met a lovely Nigerian boy.   He made the first approach and I thought he was cute. Not physically (although, there was a bit of that) or anything- but he was some years younger than me and I thought that was cute. We settled, or so I thought, on being friends who’d chat from time to time. So, I saw no reason to kick him to the curb now that new rules were in place.

He’d share with me how university life was treating him and what he wanted out of life- and I’d listen.  He would talk about life in Nigeria and would send me photos of his home village and himself.  He would warn me that his countrypeople had managed to get a bad reputation the world over on account of the 411 (or 419) scams. They were involved in so many of these, he would tell me, before warning that I should be careful when befriending other Nigerians.

Now, he and I were “friends” all through Hunte* and Tony* and others, I think.  It never crossed my mind to explore him as an option. His age was the biggest turn-off. Plus, he was supremely “corny” with the things he would say.  But, my disinterest didn’t hinder him from having thoughts of us together. After I decided to keep him around despite my new rules, his manner towards me began to change.   In came all the terms of endearment: darling, baby, sugar and sweetheart, in that tone that alerts a woman that trouble was ahead.

He began protesting that I needed to take him seriously and that he was very mature for his age. That too, I thought was cute. In my eyes, he was like some petulant child whining at some adult to hand him a toy.  He wanted to hear my voice.  I gave him that. The next day, he sent a brief email to let me know that he thought that my voice said almost everything about my personality.  Indeed, in the moments we’d shared after our first online meeting, there was something missing in them. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T  V W X Y Z,  but there was no “U”.  I was his “U”.

After almost breaking my back under the heavy weight of laughter, I replied to his email, congratulating him for knowing his ABCs and made fun of him for being so corny and persistent.  He replied rather quickly, notifying me that I better start taking him for real: “Persistent isn’t the word. The word is real and that’s Luke*”.

* Real name has been altered.

Coming Next Saturday: In the Book of Luke are No Lies