Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep that night. I spent most of it beating myself up and worrying about the sorry state of things.  I was tormented by my thoughts.  It wasn’t ground breaking stuff – these thoughts. It was all stuff I’d thought a million times before.

Like, how on earth is it so possible to make someone so very happy when you yourself are so miserable? And how does it get to this stage when all you were looking for was the very happiness that they feel when they are around you?

And how far do you allow their happiness at the expense of yours? And how do others do it? And how are they able keep it up for so long?  I mean, it’s all so draining.  Work and everything else was going fine- I was really happy with the other stuff. But whenever I thought about this mess with William*, I wasn’t happy.

Yeah, I’d brought it upon myself. But how many times am I going to say that to myself?   I know it’s all my fault. I don’t need to book a visit to any specialist to figure out what’s wrong with me. I know what’s wrong with me. But, somehow, for the life of me, I can’t (or don’t want to) change what’s wrong with me. So here I was, like that princess in the story, except I didn’t have a pea under my mattress- just heaps and heaps of thorns right there all over my bed. My “Prince” on other hand, was probably sleeping very peacefully beneath pristine white bedding, probably dreaming little rosy dreams about the two of us. Lucky bastard (or maybe not so lucky).

I did get some sleep…eventually. One hour maybe or…maybe even two hours. And guess what I woke up to? Yep. Another buzz. Another text message.  Again with the happy sentiments. Good morning! He enjoyed last night. He liked being with me. What was I doing this weekend?  I thought about letting him in on my elaborate plan which involved finding the highest bridge and jumping off it. But I considered that with my luck, I’d probably just end up with fractures or in a coma and he’d tend to me and love me all his life and someone would make a movie (possibly 3D) out of it and it would probably have a really crappy title- something like “Love Pursuit” and there was just no way I was going out like that.  I mean, come on- “Love Pursuit”?!

I responded to William’s message about two hours later.  Nothing fancy. Nothing about bridges. Or jumping.  Not even a single bar with a drunken me inside.  I had no special plans this weekend. Nothing. Nada. He responded quickly- almost before I’d sent my reply, it seemed. We could do something. Sure, I replied.  He’d think about it and figure out just what that something we could do could be.  Sure, I replied.  He hoped I would have a great day today and not let anyone or anything get to me.

It hit me then- not like a lightning bolt or anything. Just a gentle hit- You know what? That’s exactly what I was going to do! Enjoy as much of this charade as I can… while it lasts.

 * Name has been changed.

Next update- April 2nd 2011.