What was I thinking? Why did I ever get this started in the first place? I didn’t want to be the girl of whom it was said: “Oh her? Biggest tease ever!”  I’d dined with William*.  I’d smiled at him.  I hadn’t brushed aside the suggestion in his eyes whenever he’d ask if I was warm enough.  I didn’t love him. They say never say never.  Well, here's my big fat "NEVER". This was definitely one case in which one could say never. I would never fall in love with him- not in the way that I dreamed every forsaken day of falling in love. Not in the way a man who wanted all of a woman would want.  What was I going to do?

I hated this.  This offline dating thing sucked.  I was spending half of my time worrying like some annoying soap opera girl about hurting a man, about not loving a man and about telling him the truth about my feelings. Every time…every single time I get on the verge of telling him the truth. Something has to pop up. He has to say something. He has to look at me a certain way. And, it's cut...end scene and I’m roped back in and the words I need to say are left unsaid. And, it’s back to “join us next time on the …” for this little soap opera.

Caring, really caring about people is overrated. Of course, I wanted to find love in all of this dating (I WAS NOT DATING WILLIAM!).  This wasn’t just a game to me.  But, I needed companionship while I searched for love and if a man was agreeable and we got along, well what was wrong with holding onto him? Absolutely nothing. Except when he falls for you and is in love with you and then you start caring back. Not loving him- just caring for him too.  Then you don’t want to hurt him and you have a circular conversation with yourself about not wanting to hurting him and only wanting to enjoy a bit of male companionship while you look for love.

I laid awake for hours after my dinner with William, chastising myself for falling for this once again and chastising him for falling for me.  I had enough to worry about. I do work, you know.  Dating wasn’t the beginning and end of life for me. I should be thinking about my plan of action for the next work day. I shouldn’t be lying in bed worrying over any of this. Dating was supposed to be fun- all fun.  What happened to that?  What was it about me that attracted the not-so-fun part of dating- whether it’s offline or online.

After more chastising of myself and William, I finally fell into a trouble sleep. No more than two minutes later, a buzzing sound woke me. Incoming text message. It was William. He was still awake. He wanted me to know that he had a lovely time. He always did with me. I made him happy. Goodnight. Sleep well.

Right… like there was any chance of that now....

*Not real name....

Coming (at long last)-Saturday 19th March: A New Resolve