I know what my problem was/is.  Before I chickened out, it was all clear in my head. (Before William* arrived, I was going to casually put out the lone candle some demon of a waiter had left at our table.) After he arrived, we would sit and start with the comfortable small talk: How was your day?  Slept well last night? I’d make sure my small talk avoided the future; no any plans for the weekend[?] kind of conversation. That would just be cruel given that when things got comfortable, I would start talking about how our relationship mightn’t ever progressed as he hoped.

But he had to walk into the place looking like that before he saw me and then looking like that after he did.  It was more than any normal person could take, really. Show me the heterosexual woman who wouldn’t want a man to look like that before and after he’s spotted her?

She doesn’t even have to be in love with the man. Once he’s not some creep or some Oracle didn’t foretell his future in prison (for something other than fighting for her honour)…she’s going to be flattered. Maybe flattered enough to forget her original plan and move straight along into Plan B.

And that’s where I was…Plan B. Except I had a problem sitting right there with all my other problems.  My stomach did a nice little flip when he looked that way after seeing me. I didn’t even have the presence of mind to remind myself that I wasn’t some schoolgirl. William was very touchy-feely that night.   It was almost as if he sensed something was going on. There always seemed to be some hair strands of mine which he needed to brush out of my eyes. He always seemed to be looking at me that way.  Ever so often, in a voice an octave lower than usual, he’d ask if I was warm enough.  And, I’d read the suggestions in his eyes.

I HAD NO PLAN B! The realization hit me after I left William that night.  That’s what the uneasy feeling under that flip of the stomach was about.  I was so sure I would go through with Plan A and that it might get a little unpleasant, but would be a success anyway, that I never gave any thought to a Plan B. And why would I when I also never gave any thought to that other problem of mine?

I might have shifted spaces- online dating to offline dating.  That didn’t mean that I didn’t bring some old habits with me- habits I thought I’d kicked during my recent days of online dating before I made this switch to this awful face to face thing. I was back to my old ways of not letting go when I should.  I was back to trying to milk every bit of companionship I could get out of a current relationship.

So…all of this brought my total tally of problems up to three: 1) I didn’t have a Plan B; 2) Old ways die hard; and 3) it was different this time around, I really, really cared about whether or not my lack of a Plan B or my old ways would hurt this man…

*Not real name.

Coming Next Saturday: Look at me now…