The “best buddy” soundtrack was on full blast in my head. I’d always wanted a male best buddy.  Not for any majorly silly reason, mind you. He wouldn’t be the poor stereotype of an effeminate man who’s just sooo delighted to go shopping with me. (Though, we could go shopping if he wanted).  And, he wouldn’t be screaming in girlish delight as we headed off to some horrible movie which was sure to cause his male chromosomes to shrivel up and die.

I just wanted a simple male best buddy. Maybe I craved for him as a sort of reassurance that the world wasn’t totally wrong and that people- a man and a woman- could co-exist peacefully without having to deal with that awkward “so…you’re a girl and I’m a boy…” leer or bother.

William* was a very sensible man.  More sensible than any of the others I'd encountered. Well, he was the most sensible of the batch except for the fact that he believed himself to be truly and deeply in love with me. I dreaded having that “you know what, we should really just be friends” or “we’re such very good friends, let’s not mess it up” conversation with him. On one hand, I felt as if either of those conversations could sound nothing but patronizing. He wasn’t some schoolboy. He was a grown man. For all his reasonableness, I didn’t think the “it’s not you, it’s me” line would sit well with him.

And, on the other hand, I was afraid that he would listen to me quite carefully, as usual, to see if my case had any merit.  Then he might calmly disagree with me or actually agree with me but suggest that we do a bit more investigating before calling it quits. I would protest but his calmness would be so seductive that I would fall under its spell and agree with him that there was indeed nothing to lose. He might argue if we end up together, then we do- if we don’t, then we don’t and I’d fall to such sound logic and dig myself an even deeper hole.

I was unsure of my next move. But, after a few more excursions and enjoying his company just a bit too much, I decided to be an adult and talk to him about my feelings and where I was in this relationship. I planned for it to happen during one of our quieter evenings together. It was all so very ironic.  I was planning this “let him down easy” thing almost as carefully as if it was a proposal of some kind that would please rather than hurt him. But, I didn’t know what else to do. This face to face situation was new to a girl like me who thought herself more in tune with the world of online dating.

My quiet evening came.  I watched him confidently walk into the building.  He looked around for me. Everything about him said “adult man with a purpose”. He finally spots me.  I can tell, because his confident walk has turned boyishly-shy and a huge and silly grin possesses his face.  And, suddenly, it became clear that this- my plan- wouldn’t work. In fact, I was no longer sure that I wanted it to.

 *Name has been altered.