When you’re not in the situation- living every pleasurable and painful moment- it’s easy for you to be clear on what you would or wouldn’t do. You could say for sure that you would leave if this and that happened or you’d stay once so or so didn’t happen. You could say for sure that you’re this type of person and that you’d never allow yourself to become this other type of person. 

It’s no cliché, it’s true what they say- who feels it knows it and only those in the kitchen ever know the heat.  If that weren’t the case,  and I wasn’t in this situation- but, just looking in as an outsider, I would have known right away that I should immediately tell William* the truth.  I would have known that to prolong the inevitable would only make things worse- for both of us.

But there was just something that seemed so right and good about him.   Maybe, he only let me see the good and right in him…maybe he was a really bad man on some level. But, I could only judge what I saw and I saw that he was good. And, perhaps that is what, as perverse as this may sound, made me so reluctant to let him go.  He was a great buddy to hang out with.  He did make me laugh…and I did the same for him.  I felt comfortable and safe with him.  But, for the life of me, I just couldn’t fall in love with him.  Worse still, something inside me was convinced that I never would fall for him the way he deserved.

There should be manuals for stuff like this.  And, not just the ridiculous “how to get a man…” or “Falling in love has never been…” kind of manual with a grinning author on the back page. I wanted an honest manual- one so honest, that the author doesn’t even bother to put his/her name to it.  Because, it’s all so honest. One so honest, it comes with a 100% guarantee that if you followed the rules, everything would turn out alright.

In this manual, Chapter One, page one would say: “No one will get hurt”.  That’s all I wanted at this point.  I couldn’t deceive myself into thinking I could magically fall in love with the man. But, I could hope that things could continue peacefully and that I would never hurt him. It could work. We could be close friends- be at each other’s beck and call for a night out on the town or just a quiet drive somewhere.  We could remember each other’s birthdays and be happy whenever something- great or small- happened in each other’s life.

There was no rule that said a man and woman couldn’t be great friends without that awkward “could we be more?” question hanging over their heads. We could be like Will & Grace, except he wouldn’t be too much of a Will- he would just not be interested in me.  We could grow old as friends. I was sure others had done it- despite what the cynics might say.   We could too.

I was sold on this idea and could already see the scenes supported by the “best buddies” soundtrack. Now, I just needed to get him to agree to all of this without any big scene- tearful, angry or sad- between us.

 *Name has been changed.

Coming Next Saturday: It... Could Work.