I was true to myself.  Finally, I did in an online dating situation what I would have done in a face to face dating situation.   I didn’t drag things out- I ended them swiftly. I didn’t try to adjust my dream man to fit the man on the screen before me. I might roll my eyes during the crappy movies and sitcoms with the even crappier lines about being myself.  But, sometimes, when I’m done with the eye rolling, I have to admit that being real is something with which I still struggle.  Sometimes, I just don’t realize I'm struggling.  But, whenever I do realize it I don’t like myself very much. And, well, if I don’t like myself, which man- online or offline- is going to? Now that right there truly sounds like some crappy sentiment from a crappy movie/sitcom!

But, it’s such a relief to be real and to like yourself.  It’s also quite difficult sometimes. Because, it’s easy (easier than you might think) to lower your standards or put up with things you wouldn’t normally put up with in a relationship- all because the setting’s different. You make these little excuses in your head.  You make one allowance- “well, at least he’s not…”- then, you make two… “it’s just me being…”, then there’s a third and before you know it, the person you’re spending hours talking to online and sharing your life with- via MSN messenger or Skype or whatever- is a far cry from the person you want to sit at a table with over some orange juice and toast.

It may be bad to say this, but I felt so young and revitalized after dumping Marlon*.  I totally believe that everything happens for a reason and that every person I meet in life, I was fated to meet.  I don’t feel so bad about what happened with Marlon- although I could have been a bit more gracious with him. 

He was sent to me, maybe as a test, to see if my past experiences had taught me anything and if I was really serious about  finding the man I could be happy with and love.  Life can be like that sometimes- just sending little tests to check up on the things you claim you need so very badly. Maybe, if I had stuck with Marlon, life would have shook its head, decided I didn’t know what I wanted or didn’t want what I want and give up on me and giving me what I want.

With these thoughts in my head, I got very selective with my men.  Before, I would be totally encouraged when a man wrote me a few lines to indicate his interest.  Now, I was running through profiles over and over, reading and re-reading between the lines. I was analyzing profile photos- wondering at men who’d be topless in ¾ of their photos or at a bar in every other photo…or appear in photos in which every person that was cropped out seemed to be female or different females.

I was even performing little Google searches on usernames- as if that helped any!  Before I knew it, four months had passed and along with it dozens of mail from men- some of whom I would have at least, before all this acting as if in real-life thing, had a brief chat with and some I would have certainly explored. But now? Nothing!  Approaching online dating as I would real-life dating was proving to be a difficult journey, kind of like my offline dating would be if I was into that.  Being real, acting as if this was all real life and promising to date only suitable guys just plain and simply…sucked.

  *Name has been changed to protect identity.

Coming Next Saturday:  A fork in the road.