There are times- not too often- when I can be an adult about all of this and admit to myself that I’m to blame.  I’ve had a hand in the majority of my online dating woes.  Time and time again, I have led myself into another disappointing online dating round. I fall for the wrong stories; I fall for the wrong men.  I don’t call it quits at the first, second or third sign of trouble. For some reason, I always want to stick around and see how things will go. Even though I will never admit this to myself often enough, most of the time, I’m just passing time; unwilling to be alone or to let go, preferring to be unhappy.

I am plagued by a most serious condition. But, I don’t think all is lost.  I’m not too old to change my ways, even if those ways have been with me for a very long time. Oh yes, it was always this way. Even as a teenager, I had this problem. The guys who were “nice” and were so obviously good for me? I’d be friendly with them and we would always be joking around. If they tried to go beyond “friendly”, I’d nip that in the bud or pretend I didn’t see that little glint in their eyes. But the guys who were so wrong, so full of hot air, thought too much of themselves and were so clearly bad for me? Totally opposite reaction from me.

It’s all very annoying. Who wants to be the woman who fits the women like bad boys cliché?  Nothing screams “need to grow up” like being that woman.  But, it’s taken me a very long time to realize a very important thing about myself.  The sort of man I have convinced myself I so dearly want is not the same sort of man I choose to date. Sure, I talk the right game about wanting the right sort of man- the man who’s a perfect balance; smart, funny, sensitive, loyal and etc.  But, if I just took a small glance at the men I’ve gravitated towards on dating sites, I’d realize that they didn’t even come close to being that man.

What’s worse, I’d also realize that I often knew this from the very first or second conversation I had with these men. And, what’s worst is that I had no perverse intention to attempt to shape these men into the sort of man I wanted them to be.  I was fine with their imperfections, not in the sweet sort of way, but in the sick “you’ll do for now” sort of way. I get so super involved quite quickly and so unwilling to call it quits…or at least call it quits with as little drama as possible.

It’s not that I don’t think while I’m pursuing these online relationships. I do. But my thoughts are always about “adjusting” the standards these men should meet- the standards I spent hours carefully crafting. The problem is: I get so stuck crafting theories bout what my search for love should look/feel like, that I never stop theorizing and start practicing online dating…in real life.

Coming Next Saturday: Real Life.