For a long time after Nigel* revealed who he was, I didn’t do much thinking about our relationship. Whenever my mind got to tossing up a question, I, sort of, mentally, just placed my hands to my ear and “la la la la la” the question away.  I didn’t want to think about Nigel’s lies, who he really was or what trouble I could have gotten myself into if we had really progressed to that stage where I’d decided to meet him on his turf.

But, I couldn’t sleep this one off and there was no waking up to discover that everything had just been a bad dream. And “la la la la la” the questions away as I might, I was still stinging, no, hurting, from all the lies he’d told. When a relationship takes as surprisingly bad a turn for the worse as ours did, sleep and quiet from the questions don't come easy. And so, I was left in the wake of yet another failed relationship wondering “what now?”

This online dating thing didn’t seem to be working for me. Nothing had changed since I last decided to start being shallow and pursue handsome men.  My attempt to pursue a man who was the total package- intelligent, funny, caring, etc and handsome- had just proved a dismal failure. Maybe I’d gone about looking for the total package in the wrong way. Or maybe I didn’t really know how to spot the total package. Obviously, Nigel wasn’t the total package or he wouldn’t have lied.

And maybe, what was even truer was that I had gotten hints that he was not the total package, but, didn’t want to stop this pursuit of mine. It was better to think I was at fault than to think that the total package didn’t exist! Or to think… that I was not really cut out for this online dating scene. Hurt was not a thing I planned on being when I decided to prefer online versus real-life dating.  Before Nigel, I’d never truly thought about packing it in and was wondering at myself for thinking it then, when, in came the email that made my mind up for me.

It was another apology from Nigel.  He hoped I was having a great day.  He had been thinking A LOT about me, us and all that was involved.  He’d been beating himself up, asking why he would lie to me…what would motivate him…what he was afraid of.  He hadn’t come up with one solid answer. He did however think of many possibilities.

Maybe, just maybe, he was drawn in by my beauty.  Was he that shallow that he would lie just to be near such a beautiful woman?  Maybe, just maybe, it was my talent and ambition. Was he trying to relive his lost dreams through me? Or maybe it was my “youth”.  I was younger than him…and vibrant. Maybe, he just wanted to be with me to feel young and feel the hope for the future that I did.

He went on and on with the suggestions before suggesting that he thought each played some role.  He rounded off his email with the assurance that I was a special person, for whom he would do anything- even lie to ensure I did not leave him or think badly of him.  He was sorry for this, because his lies did cause me to lose trust in him- trust which may never be repaired. He was so very sorry and will always regret making a mess of what could have been the best years of his life- a life with me.

I read his email once, then twice then thrice- for good measure.  I almost felt sorry for him- it was a sad little piece of mail.

What now?  On with the online dating, of course!

Stay tuned for next Saturday's update!