(PLEASE NOTE: RE:BELLE will be taking a break until June 1 2012.)

It seems that I’m better with promises I make to others than with those I make to myself. Very recently, I promised myself that I would spend more time enjoying the experiences that accompany my pursuit of happiness. I promised myself that I would stop being so focused on checking, every five minutes or so, the progress of my journey towards happiness. But, apparently, I am not built that way. And this is news to me, because I recall a time when I wasn’t built this way. What happened? I suppose disappointments happened. I suppose constant “looking back” happened.

Sometimes, I feel split in two. One half of me is eager to trek forward. The other half is busy sitting on its haunches looking back down the roads travelled. That second half of me sometimes  looks back with fondness on some of the decisions I’ve made thus far in my life. Other times, it shouts “lalalalalalalalalala” in my head to avoid thinking about some of the decisions and paths I've chosen. There are some things I wouldn’t hesitate to do again and again if given the chance.  These are the things which make me proud to be me.

Then, there are some things which make me cringe and cower from myself. These things? I’d gladly erase them all if given the chance.  I’ve heard it said many times: “I wouldn't change a thing because my experiences- good and bad- made me what I am today.”  That's a noble thing to say.  But I have a long way to go before I get to noble.

And, until I get to noble, I’ll just alternate between feeling proud and feeling ashamed. Feeling grateful and feeling dismayed. More and more, I find myself agonizing over some of the roads I’ve taken over the course of my personal and professional life. To this day, I still agonize about eight-year old articles of mine which weren’t backed by sufficient research. From time to time, I still go “lalalalalalalala”” in my head to avoid self-accusations about articles which shouldn’t have been written. When lalalalalalalalaing doesn’t work, I reach for the positive memories- the articles I wrote that I feel did matter and should have been written.

On the personal side, I try to drum out the times I was mean to someone who didn’t deserve it.  I try to fix my mind on whatever project I’m working on to forget the times I've slipped and said something behind someone’s back that I hadn’t bothered and probably would never bother to say to that person’s face. And what about all the times I ignored my instinct and headed full-speed down the path of “destruction”- neglecting everything good that is in me? Or the times, when I’ve let perfectly good opportunities for “something better” go to waste?  To counter these memories, I think about the moments when I am good and when I make use of every opportunity that comes my way. I think about the times I am fully sincere and would never wish to cause anyone pain…even if they did me.

Sometimes, I try to imagine what a map of my life would look like if I could hold it in my hand and trace my journeys. It definitely wouldn’t be all straight lines; I doubt anyone can manage a straight line. I imagine my map would show twists and turns and major and minor detours from main roads.  I also imagined that as much as my bad choices plague me, I wouldn’t be able to come up with better/surer paths to get from point A to my current point B. And that’s that, I suppose, I just have to accept the roads I have taken and where they’ve led me. I just have to think positively. After all, my map doesn’t look half bad.